To Be Honest

Rev. Diane Rollert, 20 February 2017

To be honest,
I find growing older
to be both terrifying and liberating.

After all, I was raised during a time
when we were told,
good girls don't stand out.
With age comes a new voice
that sets aside the old restraints.

To be honest, 
being a minister
is always about love and boundaries.

We want to give all that we can,
yet we have to reserve energy
for ourselves, our families, 
and for the days when history will test us.

To be honest, 
I really do love you,
even on days when I forget to smile,
or say hello, 
because I’m rushing on to something else,
or responding to someone else’s call for help.

There are hundreds of cups of coffee
And dinners I wish that I could have shared,
but time runs out faster
than I can keep up.

To be honest, I wish there were three of me,
or that I had the many arms of Krishna,
to complete what I can never quite complete,
at home, at church, in my community.

To be honest, 
I struggle between letting things flow
and pushing them along.

Everything needs its gentle
and sometimes not so gentle
push forward,
but some things are better left
to flower on their own.
Somedays, I know the difference,
but not always.

To be honest, 
I love what I do. 

To share this ministry is a blessing,
even in its incompleteness. 
I stand humbled by the community
that surrounds me,
by the stories that are told,
by the triumphs, the challenges,
and the courage of lives being rebuilt.

To be honest, 
I struggle with God all the time.

I wonder if I will ever find the balance
between myth and reason.
Sometimes my day is truly suffused
with holiness.
Other days, everything feels
too practical and profane.
I thirst for meaning.
And still,
I feel gratitude for the hunger
that keeps me questioning,
and reminds me that I am alive

To be honest, 
I want to do so much more.

I want to right what is wrong,
undo the mistakes we make,
rebalance the inequity,
look honestly in the mirror
and see where I benefit
from the injustices.
I want to have courage to speak truth,
to reach out across the divide,
to love my neighbour,
even when I am disappointed.
And yes, 
I know there are times
when I fall short of the mark.

To be honest, 
I am grateful for this life.

I am grateful for each one of you
who dare to walk this path with me,
knowing that the steps we take
will never be perfect.
I am grateful for all we do
that is good enough,
to keep us moving forward.